Come see me spin a tale at Wordplay in Pittsburgh, November 14 at Bricolage Theater downtown. As you can imagine, it’s a story about the legal system failing me after being mugged at gunpoint but the Spice Girls served justice, as so often is the case. Link below for more and to purchase tickets. Get them quick, as it usually sells out! See ya there!
I kicked an unsuspecting girl in the head at the gym this morning.
So I’m at the gym every morning very early… like 5am early. And I always see the same freak show there. There’s the old micro-lesbian who is looking for a new best friend, there’s the crazy hot straight guy who wants to make sure everyone knows he’s straight, there’s the all-too-eager power couple and the OCD older guy who spends his mornings huffing and puffing and re-racking everybody’s weights. He must have strong shoulders to take on such a heavy burden (PUN WARNING). Today was chest & shoulders day for me which involves a lot of push-ups and free weights. One set includes doing 15 push-ups on an elevated bar, then dropping it down a few inches and doing 15 more, then dropping down again and doing 15, then 15 on the floor. As I move to the floor position, I back up a little so that I don’t slam my head off the bar or anything. I move my feet back abruptly and shove my foot right onto the top of this girl’s unsuspecting head as she is in the resting position of a sit-up. “Fuck!”
When I was younger and people in my town would casually talk to me in a racist fashion, I would tell them my dad was half black and then I’d speak about his accomplishments in civil rights and what an inspiration he was. They’d feel stupid and then I’d be like, “Just kidding, he’s a white alcoholic deadbeat who lost his job as a crooked mechanic.”
I also used to tell people I worked with in college that my mom was one of Bob Marley’s backup singers.
“Yeah, you know the part where he goes ‘We’re jommin!’ and they’re like ‘JOMMIN, JOMMIN, JOMMIN!’
“…That was mom. I listen to it and it makes me wish I knew her.”
“That’s so sweet. Wow!”
“Just kidding, my mom is a white barhound.”
Hi kids! If you’ve ever wondered why I’m funny, it’s because a small handful of tv shows growing up helped mold me as a person whereas my parents could not. Seinfeld and MTV’s The State come to mind as two cornerstones of my sense of humor. The State alum Kevin Allison just celebrated the 6 year birthday of his true storytelling podcast Risk! I’ve been listening for a few years and it’s a unique treat. The stories run the gamut – hilarious, fucked up, sexual, inspirational, but always incredible. I’ll be performing at their show here on tour in Pittsburgh, PA at the Maker Theater in Shadyside, 10/17 at 8pm. Located at 5950 Ellsworth Avenue. Tickets available below… Tell ’em Dave sent ya.